God Accepts Bald Men and Bushy Men but Rejects Anyone Between

ACCRA — Heaven has begun admitting Ghanaian men under a simplified two-style system after Prophet Francis Kofi Annan reported that shaped hairlines, moustaches and beards can send their owners to hell. At the gate, applicants are now directed into either the Completely Bald queue or the Naturally Bushy queue, while anyone displaying deliberate symmetry is escorted downstairs for further grooming.

Barbers across the country have responded by introducing the Salvation Cut, which removes everything or touches nothing. Customers requesting “just a small shape” must sign a form acknowledging that neatness may have eternal consequences. Office workers seeking both promotion and paradise have begun leaving one wild patch behind the ear as evidence that no serious styling occurred.

Hell has meanwhile opened a 24-hour barbershop for new arrivals with sharp line-ups. Attendants reportedly maintain every edge each morning, leaving residents permanently prepared for weddings they will never attend. Heaven has warned against roughening hair at the last minute, explaining that angels can distinguish natural disorder from panic caused by seeing a ruler at Judgment Day.

This is satire. The source story is real; the conclusions have been faithfully misinterpreted.