Konongo-Mampong Diocese Finds Missing Priest Training With Police to Arrest People He Previously Forgave

KOFORIDUA—The Konongo-Mampong Diocese has located its suspended priest at the Police Training Centre, where instructors are teaching him what to do when someone confesses and the correct response is not to send them home feeling lighter. The discovery has prompted urgent discussions over whether offences already settled with three Hail Marys can be reopened under a different uniform.

Trainers have begun with practical adjustments. The recruit must stop telling suspects their sins are forgiven before the investigator has finished writing them down. During simulated arrests, he is required to let go of the suspect’s head after the blessing and take hold of the wrists. Anyone addressed as “my son” must still be placed in the vehicle.

The Diocese maintains that suspension does not stop him being a priest, leaving both institutions to clarify who controls a repentant suspect on Sundays. Until the matter is resolved, trainees have been warned that absolution does not automatically open the cell. The police have requested that God submit any future releases through the station commander.

This is satire. The source story is real; the conclusions have been faithfully misinterpreted.