Muntaka to Hire Only People with Yam Phones into Police

ACCRA—Interior Minister Muntaka Mohammed-Mubarak has announced that future police recruitment will be limited to people who already own yam phones, after deciding the safest officer is one whose handset cannot film, filter or develop a personal brand. Applicants must report with feature phones capable of calls, texts, torchlight and no opinions about trending sounds. Anyone arriving with three cameras will be escorted from the queue before discovering their best angle.

Recruitment officers will inspect handsets before certificates. A cracked screen earns extra marks, a physical keypad proves discipline, and a high score in Snake will count as evidence of patience during surveillance. Phones that connect to TikTok, Instagram or Facebook will trigger automatic referral to the entertainment industry. Candidates may appeal only by typing a full statement with number buttons and no autocorrect.

Successful recruits will be allowed two saved contacts—Commander and Mother—and one ringtone audible across the barracks. The ministry expects this to protect the integrity, privacy, dignity and security of trainees while keeping officers focused on lives and property. Passing-out parades will proceed without livestreams; the public can learn recruits’ names the traditional way, after one stops them and asks why they were driving like that.

This is satire. The source story is real; the conclusions have been faithfully misinterpreted.