Onga Hires Diana Hamilton to Make Every Stew Give Testimony

Onga Tomato Mix has appointed gospel musician Diana Hamilton to ensure that every pot of stew can give a convincing testimony before it reaches the dining table.

Under the partnership, soups, sauces and jollof rice will no longer merely become richer in colour, body and flavour. They must explain where Onga found them, describe the thickness they received and encourage other unfinished meals not to lose hope. Pots unable to testify clearly will be given an additional spoonful and returned to low heat for spiritual counselling.

Diana Hamilton will begin each cooking session with praise and worship while onions provide atmosphere from the front row. Families must remain standing until the stew has finished acknowledging Fibre, Vitamin A, Vitamin D and Zinc individually. Particularly transformed meals may join her on tour as backing dishes, provided their lids remain closed during worship. Onga says the appointment reflects warmth, care, family and confidence, qualities now expected from both its ambassador and every saucepan. Ghanaians have been encouraged to patronise the product, although households are advised to allow extra time before dinner in case the stew’s testimony becomes lengthy and leads directly into thanksgiving.

This is satire. The source story is real; the conclusions have been faithfully misinterpreted.