Students Write Conclusions First So Research Cannot Delay Graduation

ACCRA — University students have begun writing their conclusions before selecting research topics, ensuring that no unexpected discovery can delay graduation.

Under the new approach, dissertations open with “In conclusion” and work backwards until the supervisor becomes tired enough to approve them. Research methods are selected after the results, questionnaires are administered only to roommates with compatible answers, and every recommendation begins with the academically reliable phrase “government should do something.”

Universities are preparing express lanes for theses already emotionally ready to be forgotten. Supervisors will stamp conclusions before introductions exist, protecting convocation dates from dangerous new evidence that might require another chapter. Any project that accidentally starts producing useful findings must immediately narrow its scope until nothing important remains at stake.

Pearl Kparu said many students choose topics because they want the easiest route to graduation. Departments have therefore proposed a Graduation-Safe Research Protocol guaranteeing that no national problem comes close enough to delay a gown. The final viva will contain one question: “Are you finished?” Candidates who say yes will pass before the panel can think of a follow-up.

This is satire. The source story is real; the conclusions have been faithfully misinterpreted.